The things spammers resort to nowadays....sigh...absolutely brilliant...

random conversation with dad.


Dad: soo...you're working ah
Me: uhuh....yea...y?
Dad: Are they sending you to US again?
Me: No ah, not in plan. y?
Dad: Do they send people to Japan?
Me: Some departments loh...not mine.y?
Dad: What department is that? The department that makes coochee ah?(sushi - deliberate)
Me: ........


he so deserves a smack behind the head sometimes, but of course..doing just that, according to my grandma, would earn me a one-way-ticket to hell. So i'm posting up a pic of him doing the ahkua (sissyboy,tranny) face instead :) he would so kill me.

Advent

First Advent Sunday has just passed..... and there's so much to be thankful for :)

mom got diagnosed with cancer a little more than 2 weeks ago. She found a 2cm lump on her left breast and a follow-up check at a private hospital here confirmed that the cells were cancerous. That week was probably the hardest week for us as a family. While everyone was trying to stay positive about her condition we were all in a state of shock and to be honest..no one really knew at that point what it meant.


Cancer used to be something i read about in the papers, in articles which i tend to read only the first few paragraphs before i got bored and move on to another article, or something i hear people i know talk about from time to time.

It used to be something we hear about....from a safe distance. i didnt think that someone in my family would actually be suffering from one. Dont get me wrong. I'm not so naive as to think that the Ukchukphan clan is immune to cancer or anything. It's just that we'd never really prepared ourselves for that possibility. It's just one of those things.


We were all there in the doctor's office when he broke the news to mom that the cells were cancerous. i stood behind her with my hands on her shoulders. She was clutching my right hand....hard...and i saw my fingers turned white...but i didnt care. The doctor was flipping through the file, took the x-ray out and turned on the lamp. I'd never been so nervous in my entire life...i cant imagine how mom must've felt. All i did was pray ...Lord have mercy..Lord have mercy...Lord have mercy....
and then without pausing the doctor just turned to us and said..."i'm so sorry...the test shows that the cells were indeed cancerous..." and i my heart dropped. everyone was so quiet and i dont think anyone really listened to the what the doctor said after that.

my elder brother, who's also a doctor..immediately called up a few doctor frens of his right after that. He wanted to look for the best surgeon to operate on mom. And after a few phone calls, he managed to get some of his frens in KL to put mom in the list for surgery at UMMC (University Malay Medical Center).....a government hospital...gasp! The surgeon, a lady professor, was supposedly very much sought after, and one of the best in the field.

So all of us went to KL the very next day. Mom got warded and she was supposed to be operated the day after. She was really quiet and it was pretty obvious that she was really really scared. She'd never been the strong one when it comes to things like these. The room she was in was a really small one and she shared it with another patient who had family with really really bad attitude. They were complaining all the time about the nurses and the doctors and all, blaming them for every possible thing. It was really depressing, so mom requested to be transfered somewhere else. Thank god there was another empty bed in another room nearby :)

The new room was a much bigger one. the were four beds in the room and all of them were cancer patients. The old lady opposite mom's was also scheduled to be operated on the same day by the same doctor.

all of us put up at our my uncle's. on the day of the surgery we went really early to the hospital. Mom was scheduled to be the first to be operated that day. She was really nervous and it broke my heart seeing them push her into operating room. I prayed and prayed for the good Lord to take good care of my mom.

The surgery took less than an hour! The professor was really skillfull. The previous doctor from the private hospital in Penang had previously told us that a mastectomy would take at least 3 hours! The purpose of the operation was the remove the infected breast and also the surrounding lymp nodes to check if the cancer has spread.

Mom slept most of the day after the surgery. She looked really pale and it really scared me. She woke up around 6pm that day and vomited a couple of times. Things did not look good at all.

The old lady (Sook Yee from the name above the bed), woke up around the same time and vomited too. She was all alone without any relatives and i felt really bad for her :( But i could i see that she's a really strong and independent old woman. She just took a plastic container to vomit in and cleaned herself a little bit before dozing off again.

Things got better the next day. Mom was speaking like normal again but she's still pretty weak. Sook Yee on the other hand, was already up and walking about! Both of them had this plastic container with tubes leading into the chest meant to drain out excessive fluids, and it was strapped to their bedframes. Sook Yee however took her plastic container and put it in a plastic bag so that she could carry it around and walk about! haha :) smart woman. Mom whispered to me and said "i didnt know u could do that!".

we learnt more and more about Sook Yee throughout that day. We didnt actually speak to her but overheard her conversations on the cellphone, and conversations she had with her church friends who came to visit her. We learnt that she lives alone, and that the cheap cellphone she was using was a gift from a church friend. She had never used a cellphone before and someone was teaching her to recharge the batteries and enter names into phonebooks and stuff. Never too late to learn! haha. She's a really smart old woman :)

I felt that the good Lord had made that bed available for mom for a reason. To witness this remarkable woman that is Sook Yee, strong.... yet gentle, who has the same illness and is so much older, but possess so much energy and love for the Lord, it's truly truly inspiring.

Never once did she complain about anything, instead she praises the Lord on all the good things she encountered...for the good government who provided affordable healthcare to the less fortunate, to the excellent doctors who did their job superbly. The fact that she had cancer never bothered her, but thanked the Lord unendingly for the friends who came to support her and pray for her at the hospital.

She spoke with this cute cartoonish voice really really slowly, as if she's talking to a baby. i couldnt help but smile everytime i heard her :)

later that afternoon, she was on her cellphone again with that voice..."Hallooow...is this Evergreen Nursing Home?...I am Sook Yee and i am 74 years old and i would like to ask about your home...I am a cancer patient ...and i'm thinking of checking myself into your home for a few months....may i know how much is your monthly fees..?..."

My heart just sank and i felt so so sad. She's old..and alone and had to check herself into a nursing home :(

She's always smiling and was so upbeat and positive about everything, it's really infectious. I think mom got much of her energy from just listening and watching her...and i really really thank God for that. Before long, Mom was her old self again :)

On the third day all of the cancer patients went downstairs to attend a special meeting with a cancer support group. They had speakers who shared their experiences with them to let them know that they arent alone in this, and that cancer is not a death sentence anymore. The came up about an hour later with goody bags.
my little sister, the ever nosy one, dove into the bag and held up a round palm-sized sponge. my jaw dropped....and then she, the ever blur one proceeded to ask mom..."ma..what is this??" ... shoving it under mom's nose. My jaw dropped further, just when i thought it could not possibly drop anymore. i was stupefied really....felt like giving her a big smack on the back of the head. Mom was stunned for awhile... and then burst into laughter haha :) "put that back lah! so kepo (busybody)" haha :)

2 weeks later (thats yesteryday), Mom and Dad flew to KL again to get the results of the lymph nodes analysis. and they came back good :) The cancer hadnt spread. ..so she doesnt need to go through chemotheraphy and stuff...and i'm really thankful for that. I dont think mom could ever go through that.


I really felt the Lord's presence throughout this entire ordeal. The available empty bed (in a government hospital mind you!) opposite such an inspiring old woman. An exemplary Christian who lives her life seeing the light of Christ in every situation good and bad. I am truly humbled and ashamed of myself. The Lord provides, he truly does.

a crowded hawker's.
a blind man.
a plastic container.
broken cantonese and an rm1 note.


sometimes the sorrow becomes unbearable.


at times like this,
i wish you'd bring me back to that one idle tuesday.

was driving in my car when i heard this song on the radio, Addicted by Saving Abel. and i had a did-he-just-say-what-i-thought-he-just-said moment. seems like i've been having those moments more often than not these days...urgh....what happened to the days when songs were only about running through green pastures, picking flowers, listening to the rain and stuff like that???


Did he just say that #1:
Addicted by Saving Abel:

"I'm so addicted to
All the things you do
When you're going down on me
In between the sheets
the sound you make
With every breath you take
It's not like anything"





Did he just say that #2:
Somebody told Me by The Killers:

"But somebody told me
You had a boyfriend
Who looks like a girlfriend
that I had in February of last year"




Did she just say that #3:
Crash by Gwen Stefani:

"Drive back baby do me fast in your car
I'm here waiting, crash and do me real hard"





Did he just say that #4:
I got it from my Momma by Will.I.Am:

"If the girl real fine, Nine times out of ten,
She fine just like her mama.
If the girl real pretty, Nine times out of ten,
She pretty like her mama.
And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gonna be ugly like her mama.
And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gonna be ugly like her mama.
If the girl real sexy,
Nine times out of ten, She sexy like her mama.
If the girl real hot,
Nine times out of ten,She hot just like her mama.
And if her mama real ugly,
I guarantee ya she gonna be ugly like her mama."




urgh...ugly mommas please hide your daughters :p omigawdddd

you have so much pain in you....that i want to comfort you and run away from you at the same time.

Yesterday i met the most beautiful thing in the world :)

oh well...getting on with life. Gymming has been great at FF. I have alot of motivation (if you know what i mean...naa just kidding) working out at the new gym. The environment's only a million times better than the dark and dingy hotel gym i previously frequented. Well of course it costs almost double the fees too but i think it's worth it. I seriously think i'm getting something good out of this...whereas at the previous gym everything felt so....stagnant..for lack of a better word.

i thought i was gonna hate the long drive to the gym but so far it'd been the complete opposite..i'm totally loving it. I blast the music to the max and when the DJs start to yak way more than they should i turn off the radio and do some thinking.....alot of thinking on alot of stuff. it's therapeutic even. yay. for now. hopefully i dont get sick of it too soon.

so...to frens who still think i'm losing it for driving all the way there and back everyday (almost). zip it. put it to rest. it's my prerogative. get over it!!

Mom sent the the link to Sorn's flickr page. He'd finally uploaded the photos they took while on vacation to some remote part of China (i saw a tibetan monastery...a yak...Unidentified Food Objects...tribal dance..it has to be pretty remote) urgh. i'm greener with envy? my envy is even greener? Green with envy.

lalala my 3 year old 20G ipod finally gave up on me. could'nt have chosen a better time. 20G worth of music and photos GONE...like...forever gone...i'm mildly depressed. The damned thing went into a coma yesterday, refusing to blink or respond in any way to my incessant toggling of the lock switch (supposed to be a hard restart according to the manual). 5 minutes later..it automatically restarted. yay. fearing that it might go into a coma again, i quickly switched it off, actually believing that it needed some rest. poor thing. Give me a pot and a whole chicken then and i might even cook it some freaking chicken soup.

on the way to the gym (oh the new gym, lets keep this one for later), i switched my little darling on. Seeing the familiar illuminated interface, i beeemed with pride and love for that ipod as much as anyone is allowed to love an inanimate object. Proceeded to select my favourite playlist. ...EMPTY.... erm...like..fuck it. Palms sweating, i pulled over and checked the other playlists. THEY WERE ALL EFFING EMPTY!

my whole world collapsed. there and then. well ok..a little bit exaggerated but pretty close. There's millions of awesome songs in there i dont think i could even find anywhere else anymore (and i cant really rememebr how i got them in the first place..kazaa?? limewire?..the good olden days urgh).. And my photos...oh my photos.................hundreds of them awesome porn travel photos ...GONE! ok writing this makes me mildly depressed again.


anyways. yesterday. holy Mary mother of God.
i went in to the toilet to pee (bear with me). Saw CP there at one of the urinals, he was gagging and was clearing his throat, obviously irritated by something. i didnt think much and proceeded to the urinal beside him. and then...the stench hit me like an 18-wheeler timber truck. wham!...up my nose. and i swear i felt my breakfast travel all the way up to my throat. it's indescribable. simply indescribable. rotten corpse is CK One compared to the stench. The doors to two toilet cubicles were closed. One of the occupants obviously hadnt shat in one whole year. Good God. I held my breath and didnt care if i had to die of asphyxia. I contemplated running out just like that. peeing still, dick in hand. But i bet bumping into Ann or Ngiow in that condition would scar them their entire lives. so...being the considerate collaeague i am (ehemm) i waitied for what seemed like an entire lifetime for my bladder to empty before dashing to wash my hands and race CP out of the washroom. We giggled like little schoolgirls outside the toilet and related the story to SM, who despite my repeated pleadings..refused to go in to take a sniff. oh well.


The New Gym. YOHOO...so i signed up at this new Gym at Island Plaza, bout 20KM and 1-hour jam away from office. I've had ppl call me crazy, having-too-much-money, siao, gila, and so on and so forth. but what the heck. I decided to try anyway. Yesterday nite was the second time i went there and i really had a good time working out. Afi taught me to use these enourmous and kinky machines that were meant to target different muscle groups in the body. The classes looked fun too! action-packed, loud music, lots of smiley faces and sweaty bodies! i would definitely join the bodyjam and bodystep classes sometime. when there's less ppl and i wont stand out like a freaking sore thumb in the midst of overenthusiastic showoffss regulars. god how i hate to be a newbie.
Oh and they provide free drinks too..milo!, tea, coffee, 100 plus (isotonic), etc. And i like the general layout of the place. with a spiral stairs in the middle, leading up to the changing rooms and studios and pantry, where u get to laze around and ogle at ppl working out in the studios and the machines downstairs. yippee. Overall, i'm pretty satisfied for now :) although the fees' a tad more expensive and it takes forever to travel there from home. for now. i'm happy end of story.


my car. someone scratched my bumper ...AGAIN! like the 7th time in 2 years. I have nothing else to say about this. I've bitched about it again and again and again. honestly i dont even know wat to say anymore. ppl r just plain dumb sometimes. They just find it too troublesome to reverse just a littttttttttttttle bit further before turning the steering wheel. go rot in hell you idiots!!

today i saw a man.

he was smiling. but the sadness in his eyes gave him away.

he tried to appear cheerful, but i knew better.

the downward glance to end every sentence. i recognize it too well.

i know the cause of his misery, but there was nothing i could do.

So, Eric shared these folder of kinky super old puter games haha. i'm hooked!!!!
totally the kind of computer games i like... simple....doesnt make me nauseous...and doesnt have 1 million control buttons ...in fact there's only 2 action buttons..1 for kicking and firing, and the other for punching and flipping...yay! i'm giddy.

tadaaa 1942.

tadaaa Double Dragon! make 2 chicks beat each other up silly. kinkehh!!

2 chicks taking turns to whip u senseless..kinkehh

rip the hair off the baddie's head! fun!!! yippeee

tired of being jaded all the time.
tired of feeling lousy.
tired of being negative.
tired of not laughing when i should.
tired of laughing when i shouldn't.
tired of not doing what i said i wanted to do.
tired of not telling ppl to go screw themselves when they should.
tired of not listening when ppl hint me to go screw myself.
tired of abdullah.
tired of my green pair of lucky socks.
tired of the stupid airconditioning giving up on me on the hottest of days.
tired of not telling the truth.
tired of shmoos.
tired of hiding.
tired of the hole under the armpit on my favourite shirt.
tired of hoping.
tired of giving up hope.
tired of putting on contacts early in the morning.
tired of my ingrown toenail.
tired of waiting for a miracle.
tired of being mad all the time.
tired of not remembering.
tired of not being remembered.
tired of spilling gravy on my white shirt.
tired of sitting at the back pew.
tired of the calluses on my palms.
tired of breaking promises.
tired of stop lights.
tired of being misunderstood.
tired of telling ppl i've stopped smoking.
tired of my perfume.
tired of reading about crimes in the papers.
tired of putting on underwear.
tired of running out of time.
tired of having too much time.
tired of following rules.
tired of being tired.
tired of you.

:(

i've never felt so down in awhile. time to heal. be strong saeng.