alright. i'm all set.
i'm all packed and ready to go. finally. i'll leave everything behind. i dont wanna think about work anymore. i dont wanna think about anything but what bus to hop on to next.
after all.....this is my moment of freedom.
i'll update my blog from the road.

i feel like an ashtray. no seriously. a fuc*&^g ashtray.
i've been smoking like a fuc&^%g chimney lately it has got to stop. it just has to. i cant afford to have my lungs boycott me this early in life. dooh. ok from this moment on...i vow...to...stop...smoking..
hmm wait...didnt u tell yourself just that yesterday?
hmm..ok yesterday doesnt count. it starts today.
haha ya right..u said that day before yesterday remember?
fuck..i did huh.
ok ok..that doesnt count too...IT STARTS TODAY...THIS VERY SECOND!..NO SMOKING! TAK NAK!!!!! TAK NAKKKKKKKK!!!! huhuhu~~ :(
yeah ..right.. i heard that before too...
shuduppp!!!!!
mannn...this has got to stop! The high from smoking is so momentary it just doesnt worth feeling like a fu&^%&g ashtray the next couple of hours or so.
ok ok..from this moment on....anyone who catches me with a freaking ciggarate between my lips..please..PLEASE...ask RM1 from me. serious. On-The-Spot Summon!
god i'm gonna be so broke.

have ur heart ever been broken?
mine have. not by a girl oh no. .....hmm........wait.....it was a girl.
i must've been 7 or 8, couldn't have been a day older, because in the collage of memories i have of that day, grandma's house looked huge. the wooden railing that lined the stairs up to the second floor of the thai kampung house was even taller than me.
me and my brother, we had to spend the nite at grandma's because our parents went somewhere. blehh...adults
dad dropped us off at grandma's in the evening. she smiled when she saw us and asked if we've had our dinner yet (y issit so typical of elders to first ask if u've eaten??). we said no and ran off to the kitchen.
she lifted the covers and there was very little food on the table..fried fish, some greens, a small bowl of soup. she told us she'd eaten and proceeded to scoop some rice for us.
I complained that the dishes were bland, she just smiled. we finished up everything since there wasn't much to start with.
later that nite i woke up. feeling thirsty i went down to the kitchen. obviously someone was in the kitchen because the kerosene lamp was on and the flickers sent shadows dancing restlessly on the wooden walls.
hiding in the shadows by the stairs, i saw grandma sitting on the floor by the lamp, quietly eating a plate of rice with nothing but a piece of salted fish.
that broke my heart like nothing ever did and ever will.

in retrospect
the past few days have been pretty hectic for me. i'm almost always in the lab...and the sad thing about that is..they dont have restrooms in that particular lab!!!! &^%$*&^%$#@
and the procedure to leave the lab..believe me..is such a pain in the ASS!.
first, u'd have to take off your smocks and booties (lab attire, something like what a doctor would wear, but hippier...ermm..complete with footwraps ..ermm.urgh),
second, empty all your belongings into a tray (up to the very last coin in ur pocket) and have them go thru the x-ray machine,
third and the most annoying of all: step onto a small platform, spread out your arms titanic-style and let the security person scan ur body (front and back) for any metal object. if you meet with a very stupid retarded jahat playful security guard, he would deliberately leave the metal detector beeping away like crazy at ur dick crotch area and bring everyone's attention there knowing fully well that it's where ur belt buckle is (and has been for the past 2 years u work with the company!) &^%$#%^&*
alllllllllllll that....you have to go thru alllllllllll that .....even if all u ever wanted in the whole wide world at that moment.....the one and only thing u're wishing to the high heavens for.......is a shiny white loo to shit crap berak empty your semi-solid bowel's contents in.

Another Day


coming of the dawn,
betray at the sight of dusk,
sing the demon's song,
another step, another day, another dawn,
but dusk betrayed again,
another hope,

yet hope lied to me,
faith cried with me,
sanity shied from me,


am i lost?
no... it was they who failed to seek me.





and then another day...

in retrospect.
so i went back home on saturday to visit mom. she's not doing too good. she's down with a terrible flu but still managed to cook my favourite pineapple/chicken curry...yummmmm...curry makes me salivate...slurrrps.
anyways...went down to visit grandma in the village on sunday nite. an aunt was also there...it was nice seeing grandma still healthy and perky as ever. but i noticed one of her toes was bandaged. didnt ask much tho. it didnt seem to bother her. she was making another 'mengkuang' mat. she's really good at it...she can make baskets and stuff...no sweat. sweet old traditional thai woman.
anyways..my little cousin Wood was there too and he was cheeky as ever. cute lil thing. he dissapeared for a while and reappeared again wearing this cute little spiderman outfit..hehe..complete with the mask and all...i almost kicked myself in the head for not bringing my camphone along. grrrr..a photo of him in his spiderman outfit would have made a great wallpaper... it's so him..in that outfit..hehe...cute...cheeky....and of course..annoying as hell
grandma told me that a house in the village was haunted. i was shocked. apparently it was big news in the village. the current tenants of the haunted house claimed to have seen shadows and figures standing beside their porch, sitting on wooden beams above their living room, and roaming about in their house in the nite time. the spooky figure apprently was that of a former tenant. a drug addict who had died in the house a few years back. it was definitely spooky. i've never heard grandma talk about ghost or stuff like that...i used to think that she was too practical to believe in all those shit....but nevertheless...when u're living in a small village like the one she's living in....u're bound to hear stories like that all the time i guess. old villages have histories and not all of them r told or passed down to the younger generations...some of them i guess r too dark to be rehashed.
anyways...my little cousin seemed impervious to the spooky story he had just heard...hehe..maybe he was acting tough (highly unlikely) or maybe the spiderman outfit somehow in some peculiar way managed to transport him away from the realities of the small village...into the crazy manhattan city that might have existed in his little imaginary world...swinging from one skyscraper to another...saving cute little girls sucking on lollipops...o well.
came back to penang this morning. yes monday morning. it's a state holiday today in penang. the governor's birthday or something...who cares.